When I got home from work tonight, which was 7/10/2016 at 10:30 pm Mountain Time, my original intention was to close the chapter on the day and prepare for bed. I have this routine that I try to do every night, in which I complete the normal nightly things, like brush my teeth and whatnot. I also stretch out my back to align it and change its direction, then I plan the next day. Instead, something else happened.
I stepped into the shower, preparing to do the things you do when you are in the shower, as well as meditate to relax my mind from the trials and tribulations of the day. As I crossed the thresh hold of the shower, It was as though I had crossed the plane of a waterfall. Thoughts rushed into my mind about the things that have happened this passed week, like swirls and rapids rush down the fleeing river looking for lower ground to rest. Time stood still in my mind, even though it continued to flow from now into the future around me. And as each thought entered my mind I could hear two words, a constant rhythm defining the flow and pace of this river of thoughts. These words spoke to me in a voice I knew as my own, yet it was foreign to me like a man or woman whose face I randomly picked out of a crowd. And the two words multiplied, breaking up its harmonious rhythm every so often, with echoes of the past and fleeting thoughts or dreams of the future.
"I apologize."
I tried to fight it. I tried to fight the urge to let these words continue their hypnotic song within the space between my ears, reverberating outward from my spirit as sound reverberates from a subwoofer. I tried to hold my head high, yet if found myself lowering it further as the water of the shower washed over my neck and face. As the words and thoughts continued to flow through my mind, I became, more ashamed. I became ashamed that these thoughts were in my head in the first place. Ashamed at the feeling that these thoughts made me feel. Ashamed at my wish to fight what I felt I must do.
Here I am now, a whole hour after I arrived home from work, knowing that this blog is going to be a departure from the normal purpose and tone that I hoped to set with each post that I published thus far, and with each post that I will post afterwards. I sit here, writing this, leaving it as raw as my mind will allow me, with very little edits. This is a one take post, so I must open with an apology for any bad grammar or spelling that you find.
I apologize first to myself, for the lack of sleep I am about to get because of this undeniable need to take on that which others will not take on for themselves. It is what was requested of me, by a force beyond my vision or understanding.
I apologize next to my family, because they are going to have to deal with me after this is done.
I apologize to the people who know me and those who don't, for bearing my soul as an apple tree bears its fruit, for all to feast upon. It is inherent to me that I must do what I can to share the knowledge that has no source, in hopes that people find the truth within themselves. It is a sickness of sorts to do in my own way that which I would have done to me, and that is to help teach and learn.
I apologize to the world for my country's unwavering need to share with you an ideal that you find repulsive, to say generically. Our way is not for everyone, but it has been our wish to enlighten the world as the first missionaries wished to enlighten the indigenous people that they encountered. And idea dies when it is not shared, and when it dies so eventually does the way of life. We are secretly afraid of falling form the grace that we have placed ourselves upon, and thus must desperately do anything to stay on top.
I apologize to my countrymen for not being American enough to recognize that we are as great as the visions those in the right chairs wish us to believe. I understand that I should follow the status quo, keeping in the mold that exists in, as the media would say, this country. It is hard when the mold is broken, and the liquid patriotism and courage that I know I should have slowly drips out onto the floor, leaving me afraid and unsure of what the future holds.
I apologize to Orlando and Dallas, for the events that have happened this summer thus far. I contributed to a society that is so divided and without trust by doing nothing except working to pay my bills and build my dreams and aspirations. I should have been there by now, so that I could redouble my efforts to remind the people that we are greater than the messages that have been painted, and also capable of finding peace before violence can begin.
I apologize to gun owners for not being connected enough to help influence the right reforms and the right thoughts and the right solutions that would ensure that a tool that is as capable of committing acts of violence on its own as a scalpel is capable of committing an act of malpractice. You deserve to have a plan that is proactive as opposed to reactive, as all the reforms and plans that have come about so far have been.
I apologize to the victims of gun violence for being as disconnected to the issues surrounding the reason your are now considered a victim as a recovering alcoholic is from beer. You also deserve to have a plan that is proactive and not reactive. It should allow you to receive true closure for the crime committed, and the lives lost.
I again apologize to the world for the mockery we Americans are making of logic and the systems that we push upon you so hard. We have chosen to let the media tell us what to believe, and have become blind to what the truth really is. I guess it is like Cypher said in the matrix. Ignorance is bliss, and we have chosen bliss over rising to becoming greater than we are now. And so, you are stuck watching a circus with Trump and Madame Clinton as the ring leaders.
I apologize to the workforce for the corporations that want to increase their profit margin and require a harsh work life compare to other places in the world. The lifeblood of business is money, and when the money stops flowing, so does the business, and the only way for the money to flow is by having all the consumers of the world giving money to the corporations. With the need to keep the businesses blood flowing through it's growth, so that it can last as close to forever as one can get.
I apologize to the corporations for the workforce having delusions of grandeur. The workforce dreams of having the ability to work as needed like many places around the world sot hat they can take care of the family, maybe perhaps pursue other dreams and aspirations. It is hard for a workforce that can see the rest of the world working less or more happily than they are, and like any good child that is jealous of what they see, the begin their whining that change is needed. It is also important in the eyes of the workforce to have enough money of their own support the life they built on top of the 3 pillars of life. At least in the American society it is it is needed as much for the workforce as it is for you.
I apologize to Muslims for dark picture that has been painted upon your religion. I did nothing to prevent the use of the paint that the world now uses generically to paint your portrait, and I did nothing to ensure that the artists were stopped just long enough for you to have a chance to correct the commission. It is my hope that you forgive me one day for this, and that the painters understand that this picture that they have now created has caused you more strife and suffering than anything else in history.
I apologize to all the religions of the world for not being capable to choose a direction to collect my own faith. I was never worthy enough of your acceptance because of my insatiable hunger to see the the connection between all religions and all beliefs. I chose to remain blind to the individual teachings that you each have, and chose to see the original words that each of you pull your belief from, to be egotistical and live in a life of a collective belief.
I apologize to the American military for my weakness as a young man and my requirements for a life all my own. You stand at the wall proud to be given such an honorable duty as the one you were given where you protect the freedoms of all of us. I should have been stronger to stand with you. Instead I stand behind you, ready to forget your sacrifices of mind and body, like many of my brethren have done. I also apologize that you have to hear this reminder over and over again, making you sick of your duties at times.
I finally apologize to Mother Nature, for the fact that we humans have become to you that which has killed many of us with no cure: a cancer. No other creature known to live today or in the past can say that they have done what we humans have done. We have bent the power of Earth to our will, and choose to control it rather than it controlling us. In doing so, we stand to be the only creature left one day, potentially staring at a landscape that was alluded to us when we extended our vision beyond the skies and into the heavens, resting it upon the surface of Mars. A landscape, that will become Earth's final solution to culling us.
It is the hope that me taking on the blame for these things and other things that have not been mentioned here gives way for peaceful and meaningful growth for all of us. Until we are willing to grow together, we will remain upon the Tower of Babel apart, never becoming the great beings that we have all been meant to be.
I stepped into the shower, preparing to do the things you do when you are in the shower, as well as meditate to relax my mind from the trials and tribulations of the day. As I crossed the thresh hold of the shower, It was as though I had crossed the plane of a waterfall. Thoughts rushed into my mind about the things that have happened this passed week, like swirls and rapids rush down the fleeing river looking for lower ground to rest. Time stood still in my mind, even though it continued to flow from now into the future around me. And as each thought entered my mind I could hear two words, a constant rhythm defining the flow and pace of this river of thoughts. These words spoke to me in a voice I knew as my own, yet it was foreign to me like a man or woman whose face I randomly picked out of a crowd. And the two words multiplied, breaking up its harmonious rhythm every so often, with echoes of the past and fleeting thoughts or dreams of the future.
"I apologize."
I tried to fight it. I tried to fight the urge to let these words continue their hypnotic song within the space between my ears, reverberating outward from my spirit as sound reverberates from a subwoofer. I tried to hold my head high, yet if found myself lowering it further as the water of the shower washed over my neck and face. As the words and thoughts continued to flow through my mind, I became, more ashamed. I became ashamed that these thoughts were in my head in the first place. Ashamed at the feeling that these thoughts made me feel. Ashamed at my wish to fight what I felt I must do.
Here I am now, a whole hour after I arrived home from work, knowing that this blog is going to be a departure from the normal purpose and tone that I hoped to set with each post that I published thus far, and with each post that I will post afterwards. I sit here, writing this, leaving it as raw as my mind will allow me, with very little edits. This is a one take post, so I must open with an apology for any bad grammar or spelling that you find.
I apologize first to myself, for the lack of sleep I am about to get because of this undeniable need to take on that which others will not take on for themselves. It is what was requested of me, by a force beyond my vision or understanding.
I apologize next to my family, because they are going to have to deal with me after this is done.
I apologize to the people who know me and those who don't, for bearing my soul as an apple tree bears its fruit, for all to feast upon. It is inherent to me that I must do what I can to share the knowledge that has no source, in hopes that people find the truth within themselves. It is a sickness of sorts to do in my own way that which I would have done to me, and that is to help teach and learn.
I apologize to the world for my country's unwavering need to share with you an ideal that you find repulsive, to say generically. Our way is not for everyone, but it has been our wish to enlighten the world as the first missionaries wished to enlighten the indigenous people that they encountered. And idea dies when it is not shared, and when it dies so eventually does the way of life. We are secretly afraid of falling form the grace that we have placed ourselves upon, and thus must desperately do anything to stay on top.
I apologize to my countrymen for not being American enough to recognize that we are as great as the visions those in the right chairs wish us to believe. I understand that I should follow the status quo, keeping in the mold that exists in, as the media would say, this country. It is hard when the mold is broken, and the liquid patriotism and courage that I know I should have slowly drips out onto the floor, leaving me afraid and unsure of what the future holds.
I apologize to Orlando and Dallas, for the events that have happened this summer thus far. I contributed to a society that is so divided and without trust by doing nothing except working to pay my bills and build my dreams and aspirations. I should have been there by now, so that I could redouble my efforts to remind the people that we are greater than the messages that have been painted, and also capable of finding peace before violence can begin.
I apologize to gun owners for not being connected enough to help influence the right reforms and the right thoughts and the right solutions that would ensure that a tool that is as capable of committing acts of violence on its own as a scalpel is capable of committing an act of malpractice. You deserve to have a plan that is proactive as opposed to reactive, as all the reforms and plans that have come about so far have been.
I apologize to the victims of gun violence for being as disconnected to the issues surrounding the reason your are now considered a victim as a recovering alcoholic is from beer. You also deserve to have a plan that is proactive and not reactive. It should allow you to receive true closure for the crime committed, and the lives lost.
I again apologize to the world for the mockery we Americans are making of logic and the systems that we push upon you so hard. We have chosen to let the media tell us what to believe, and have become blind to what the truth really is. I guess it is like Cypher said in the matrix. Ignorance is bliss, and we have chosen bliss over rising to becoming greater than we are now. And so, you are stuck watching a circus with Trump and Madame Clinton as the ring leaders.
I apologize to the workforce for the corporations that want to increase their profit margin and require a harsh work life compare to other places in the world. The lifeblood of business is money, and when the money stops flowing, so does the business, and the only way for the money to flow is by having all the consumers of the world giving money to the corporations. With the need to keep the businesses blood flowing through it's growth, so that it can last as close to forever as one can get.
I apologize to the corporations for the workforce having delusions of grandeur. The workforce dreams of having the ability to work as needed like many places around the world sot hat they can take care of the family, maybe perhaps pursue other dreams and aspirations. It is hard for a workforce that can see the rest of the world working less or more happily than they are, and like any good child that is jealous of what they see, the begin their whining that change is needed. It is also important in the eyes of the workforce to have enough money of their own support the life they built on top of the 3 pillars of life. At least in the American society it is it is needed as much for the workforce as it is for you.
I apologize to Muslims for dark picture that has been painted upon your religion. I did nothing to prevent the use of the paint that the world now uses generically to paint your portrait, and I did nothing to ensure that the artists were stopped just long enough for you to have a chance to correct the commission. It is my hope that you forgive me one day for this, and that the painters understand that this picture that they have now created has caused you more strife and suffering than anything else in history.
I apologize to all the religions of the world for not being capable to choose a direction to collect my own faith. I was never worthy enough of your acceptance because of my insatiable hunger to see the the connection between all religions and all beliefs. I chose to remain blind to the individual teachings that you each have, and chose to see the original words that each of you pull your belief from, to be egotistical and live in a life of a collective belief.
I apologize to the American military for my weakness as a young man and my requirements for a life all my own. You stand at the wall proud to be given such an honorable duty as the one you were given where you protect the freedoms of all of us. I should have been stronger to stand with you. Instead I stand behind you, ready to forget your sacrifices of mind and body, like many of my brethren have done. I also apologize that you have to hear this reminder over and over again, making you sick of your duties at times.
I finally apologize to Mother Nature, for the fact that we humans have become to you that which has killed many of us with no cure: a cancer. No other creature known to live today or in the past can say that they have done what we humans have done. We have bent the power of Earth to our will, and choose to control it rather than it controlling us. In doing so, we stand to be the only creature left one day, potentially staring at a landscape that was alluded to us when we extended our vision beyond the skies and into the heavens, resting it upon the surface of Mars. A landscape, that will become Earth's final solution to culling us.
It is the hope that me taking on the blame for these things and other things that have not been mentioned here gives way for peaceful and meaningful growth for all of us. Until we are willing to grow together, we will remain upon the Tower of Babel apart, never becoming the great beings that we have all been meant to be.
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