Today is a good day

One day a few weeks ago, I woke up in sheer terror. I had experienced what it was like to die. It was one of the most vivid dreams I had ever had in my life. The specific events of the dream apparently were not of grave importance, for I do not remember them as vividly as I do the events of other dreams. However, the feeling that I was left with upon the waking hour was important. I was supposed to learn a lesson here, and I think the message was received. Loud and clear. 

Let me do my best to share this with you...

In the dream, I lived in a house that looked similar to a childhood home from when I was in the last elementary school that I would ever attend. On the outside, it looked just like my current house (side thought: I wondered if it was maybe a T.A.R.D.I.S. at first since my current home is quite a bit smaller). I had just found out that I was terminally ill, and did not have very long to live. I do not believe that I had shared this with my family as of yet, because I was home alone and they were gone. At some point in the dream, I ended up outside in the backyard chasing a sound that I had heard. It sounded like the growling of a dog in the distance, beyond the small forest of spruces, firs, aspens, and whatnot that lined the back part of the yard. I only heard the sound once, or so I believe. I turned around to go back into my house, when I felt a pressure on the back of my leg. It was in the dead center of my calf, and it penetrated my leg smoothly and continuously, like a butcher's knife with a freshly sharpened blade cutting through a piece of rope. I carefully but quickly pulled my leg away, and the blood gushed all over the ground. No matter what, I could not stop the bleeding. I could only slow it down to extend my life. Part of the illness I believed in my dream. 

I decided to go to the mall once I was able to stop the flow well enough that it appeared to begin healing shut on its own. I believe that the I did call the doctor, although I did not have a scene of this in my dream, but I could hear the doctor's voice ringing in my ear, saying, "There is really nothing more that I can do. You may want to enjoy the things you can before the end of the day." So I did. 

As I walked through the food court, I could feel my breath becoming shallow, my head light, the ebb and flow of life drawing closer to a still and shallow pond. I began to cry, say aloud, "I am not ready! I don't want to die!" The people around me walking by, oblivious to my pleas, or perhaps looking to avoid the crazy person that is screaming out in loud sobs. I could hear the reaper's steps coming up behind me. As everything went black, I woke up in my bed. My alarms were just about to go off to start the day. 

I am sure you are wondering why the hell would I share this with you. Before I answer this question, let me ask you some of my own. Have you had one of those days where you just felt that if death were to come for you, you would be ready for it? A day where you can say to yourself, "You know, today is a good day to die."? Maybe you looked to the heavens and asked whatever force you believed in, if any at all, to take you from this world, for you are ready to except death. I have. In fact, on the worst of days where you may even experience what could have been a near-death experience, I would say to the heavens, "I am tired. I think I have done all that I needed to in this life. Take me away from all of this. End the show now. End it all." 

The dream that I had was some force out there telling me that if this is what you want, then this is what you can expect. Whether it was God, Allah (yes I know, same thing), Buddha, Vishnu, the Dark Lord of the Sith, the Universe, the Time Vortex, or even bloody Q, it was letting me know that it could take me now, but I should be aware of the feelings I would have when it came. I'm still young, both in body and in experience. Those who know me best know that when it comes to experiencing the world, I have not done so. I have never left the United States, only left the state where I live 7 times in my life. So in the grand scheme, I still have a lot of life to live. 

Before you begin to think that I just came out of a suicidal thought trip, let me make sure to clarify that I am not. I have always considered these thoughts to not necessarily speak to that mentality. So...

Consider this... 

There are two directions one can take in this mentality. The first is to ask to be taken off of this earth. If you are asking a higher power to remove you from the playing field called Life and let you hit the showers, then you are most likely exhausted with the transgressions that you are experiencing, and need a break. However, the belief that you are ready to move on from this world is a false one. Just because you ask for it doesn't necessarily mean that you are ready to leave the game. You just need to take a couple of minutes to gather yourself and then get back out there swinging. With all this said, I have learned in my short life to be careful what you ask for. If you nag long enough about it, ask too often, demand it with too much of your will, eventually something will oblige. You will be given warning signs, but eventually it will be too late. When that day comes, then you may have regrets of things you never got the chance to do because you could not handle the darkness now. 

The second is to "hit the emergency break" so to speak. You may ask for that greater power to take you off the planet, and it doesn't respond. So you begin to ask "What if I ______?" In the blank you fill in the things you could do to bring the ride to an abrupt end. This is where we can append the word suicide. A person believes themselves clever to have come up with a way to accomplish the ride to the other side, when in fact all they have done is prematurely closed the book before reading the exciting ending. This is the direction in which help is needed from friends and family, counselors and doctors. Someone to show you why it is better to ease to a stop than to slam on the breaks, because life didn't come with any seat belts. 

In Star Trek, the Kinglons say, "Today is a good day to die" when they go into battle. It is a way to prepare for the death that is inevitable. I say today is a good day to live. If the dream that I had taught me anything, it is to do the things that you want to do now, and do not wait until there is a better time to do them. Maybe you need a little help to when you have reached that point where death seems like a really good option, so find it and take it. Death wants to know that you are truly happy with the life that you lived, that the stories that are told of you will make you proud before it comes. Death does not like it when someone goes to the big boss with a complaint about life and a request to return the merchandise, for it is hard for Death to restock a partially used life on the shelf. The same goes for those who think they can do the job better than Death, and chose to do it themselves. 

So, I say be like the third brother in the story of the three brothers in Harry Potter, and live your life today. Live fully and deeply, and once this is done, only when this is done, greet Death like an old friend.